The True Test of Friendship

I was standing at the sales counter at Dark-Thirty this morning, waiting for the lumber company shed to open, and decided to flip through the magazine rack. One of the magazine covers had in large, red writing the beckoning header, "ARE YOU A REAL FRIEND? TAKE OUR QUIZ!" Like, you can pay ten dollars and figure out just how awesome you are to your buddies. I didn't buy it, buy it still made me think. 

My last post mentioned my circle of friends. What catapults a person beyond mere acquaintance into the friendship category? And, for that matter, what makes a person a best friend. How can a person have ten besties? The social media app, Snapchat, has my daughter listed as one of my best friends. We chat via Snapchat at least a few times a week. Is constant communication the only thing on the list that divides the friendship tier into "Almost A Has Been" and "La Creme de la Creme"? If so, then my lawn guy is my best friend too. He and I chat about as often as my daughter and I do, albeit instead of talking about our dogs' bowel movements and whether or not we need to buy more Pop Tarts, Rickey The Lawn Guy and I discuss Johnson grass and dandelions. That is hardly enough to press against the threshold of bestie territory. But if Snapchat says so...

I'd like to think the true test of friendship has to do more with whether or not a person is around through the different seasons of your life. And there is a difference between Ginny, the work friend you take your coffee breaks with and send memes to during work hours and Carol, your former college roommate who held your hair back as you puked out Fifty Cent Margaritas and churros for three hours after your brutal breakup with WhatsHisFace McGie. Both Ginny and Carol are your Facebook friends. Both Ginny and Carol "hearted" your new wallpaper photos on Instagram, but which of the two would pick up the phone at 4 a.m. because you had an awful dream and don't want to feel alone? 

I would wake up for my former college roomie, and I haven't seen her actual face in 30 years! Work wife Ginny? She'll get a callback after I've blown through a pot of coffee. 

I think tests of friendship are actual tests and not whether the both of you like the same band and wear matching pajamas.

"Is Your Name Really Ernie?"

 I get the question pretty much every time I'm introduced to someone new: "Is that really your name? REALLY?"  Well, actually, yes. I mean, that's the name I've gone by since childhood.  Sometimes my dad called me "John Henry" because of my infamous stubbornness, which I'd like to be known more of as fortitude of will.  I haven't pulled any steam engines up any mountains with my bare hands recently, but I've been known to drag out a conversation until it drops with a thud of finality without ever giving up whatever answer a person has desired. Only my dad calls me John Henry, though.  

My given government name is just as foreign to me. I can pretty much tell you in which era you met me just by the moniker you use for me. I can tell where I met you if you use other names. And I have a few.

What did my parents desire to call me? What did they want to write down on my birth certificate? And what's in a name?

No, none of that Romeo and Juliet philosophical stuff here. I'm genuinely pondering the significance of why I didn't receive the name my mom wanted to give me at first-- Annette.  I mean, that's a good name and all. I know an Annette, and she's pretty cool.  But I don't look like an Annette. I don't feel like an Annette, assuming I know what an Annette would feel like. Would my life have turned out differently if I'd have received the name my mom fought for during the first 3 weeks of my life?

See, I was born during that time when parents didn't have to immediately decide what to call a baby before leaving the birthing facility.  How old am I? 🤦🏾‍♀️That's a story for another day.

My mom wanted me named after one of her nieces, who is named loosely after my mother's mother. My dad wanted me named after his mother.  Who's gonna get the honor of having me carry on the weight of her name? A three week battle where I'm being called two names, and no one willing to give... How did it end? Well, clearly my name isn't Annette, but if it was, I'd probably be going by Little Ann, after the heroine in one of my favorite childhood books, Where The Red Fern Grows.  And then as I grew older (perhaps the age I am now), "Little Ann" would sound more like a gangster or something.  Or maybe I could convince people of how innocent and wholesome and good I am with a name like that.  

"Nope. Not a gangster. Not a goody two shoes. A dog. Yep. And she died in that book, too."

Would Annette have led as colorful and full a life as Ernie has? Would Annette have landed in the middle of the same circle of friends? Who am I kidding? Annette would probably be a lot friendlier, and her circle would probably be a lot larger.  

But Ernie has met Ed.  Ed used to be really weird about my name because he didn't want to be introduced to someone and then say, "...and this is my wife, Ernie." People definitely get curious or weird, with no in between.  The ones who are thinking it anyway, I usually floor with, "I used to be a man."  It's a joke. It was a bit funnier before it became a frequent possibility, but this day and age is what it is. 

It's usually made worse because I also am blessed with diarrhea of the mouth, when I feel like being social. That too is another story for another day.

But the bottom line for my name? It's up there 👆🏾...somewhere.

The Golden Rule? Really?

Treat people as they want to be treated, not necessarily as I want to be treated.

We are not all the same. We’re not. There. I said it. There are so many things I like that my friends and family don’t like, and I’m sure, that you won’t like either. 

I’d rather have a good kale shake instead of steak and eggs, for instance.  I drink more turmeric and ginger while some prefer good, old-fashioned sweet tea.  I like a dash of pepper on my tomato, while some may prefer it with a sprinkle of salt.  I give lots of praise and verbal appreciation to people because I like verbal assurances that I’m doing the job right, but maybe you don’t need so much affirmation.  You may like your behind blackened and blued while goofing off with friends, while I may prefer something a little less, um, impactful.

Since we are the sum of our lives’ experiences, we arrive with different sets of baggage—and they have to be carried and unpacked differently. 

So while it works well in theory—and we still should be respectful of everyone in general, we need to consider the less common and smaller nuances people have that create differences of personality, e.g., desires, thoughts, expectations. 

If you’ve been living by the other Golden Rule, it’s not that big of a stretch to simply try to understand another human being.  Since the human being I have most knowledge of is me, I’ll start there. Being an empath, it’s easier for me to see myself in a person, or rather, how I relate to what they are going through, and giving them what I would want. People tell me I’m a great listener, and I don’t give unsolicited advice.  When I have a problem, I may vent for a minute (or several), but then I’ll write my problems down in one of my many notebooks, and move on.  But lots of people I encounter are not like that.  They want to talk (and talk and talk and talk) over the same problem until it’s become much larger than it would be if I were facing the same one.  And that’s their truth.  It’s the way they tackle issues. Telling that person to write it down probably won’t help them much.  Empathy is a great place to begin in understanding someone else, but it needs to grow from there into connection on their level.

I tell people not to try to understand me (if they don’t already), because it’s just easier to accept me and go from that point. I know I’m a bit of an odd duck, and I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.  Try learning what is important to me, and why.  The best way to do this is to simply ask. 

So how do you get people to treat you the way you want instead of the way they want?  Keeping in mind this is my personal opinion, I believe the adage, “We teach people how to treat us by what we will allow.”  We grow up being trained, being taught how to treat others by watching how those around us treat other people.  Don’t berate yourself, and don’t allow others to do it.  I’m not saying you have to go to the mat with every person that says something off to you—you'll be at war all the time!  But the BLOCK links are probably close at hand for people online.  You have the option to not engage negativity you encounter as well.  But you have to respect yourself.  And how you treat others is a way to either gain respect, or lose it.  With me, it’s so much easier to lose my respect with how you approach me or how I see you approach others. 

I pay attention on social media to the people who troll others’ writings, who are always attacking others’ photos, videos, and blogs, who post spam links in groups, who pepper every photo on a person’s page with cut-and-paste flatteries.  And I also see, as I’m sure you do as well, those who are positive and always kind with words and “loves”.

I believe in Karma, albeit by another name, (the law of sowing and reaping) and I do believe people will receive what they put out eventually.  Don’t think for a moment I wouldn’t try to rush a person’s day of reckoning if they step out of line with me, especially in person.  But I give at least a moment to try to understand where they’re coming from.  Sure, some people are coming from a place of pure stupid, and those are cut off instantly.  It’s just another way I treat people the way they ask to be treated. I prefer the positive, but I sincerely believe in matching energy, even if it means I have to take off my earrings and shoes to do it.

Changes are coming...

It's been a while since I have updated this blog. The summer garden is going downhill, but our Roma tomato patch and everything growing at the arched cattle panels simply refuse to succumb to my urge to start the Fall garden.

Sooo...what has Ernie been up to? Those who follow me on Youtube can see I have begun the gradual end-of-summer growing season descent into varied content. I'm showing more of the outdoor camera footage, and even some of our family group's livestock footage.

Some things will be changing on my Youtube channel. Those of you who happen to peek onto this page will get the news first. Like, Sunday Shoutouts will go from three channels a week to just one. And you know those giveaways I do? There'll be even more, including the random ones that I just wake up in the morning and do a random comment picker on the last video I published.

I will also do a few vlogs every now and again. A dear friend, Matthias Lenardt (also on Youtube under that moniker),has suggested I put my loosely-marbled mind out in front of a lens occasionally. I'm taking him up on that one.

I will also announce giveaways on this blog that I will not announce on Youtube. Entrants will receive a code word or phrase to enter in the comments of a specific video on Youtube. It's not an incentive to read a blog I rarely keep updated, but more a "thank you".

Solo Cup Garden Day 34

 A couple of disappointing updates to my Solo Cup experiment:  first, the Nasturtium and the Green Ice Lettuce didn't make it through my 3 days away from home. I may or may not restart them; it's definitely my fault for assuming they'd be okay without extra watering since I had the grow lights on a timer. But, it was not to be.

Solo Cup Garden Series Day 25

 So I've been surprised with how well this Solo Cup garden is doing.  There have been maybe 3 gnats that have come and gone, but no thrips or whiteflies to be seen. The temperature in my bedroom has been between 70 and 77, because at night I am still running a/c.  The humidity varies also, because I don't have a dehumidifier.  Still, I am having some ups and downs in some of the Solo cups that have been unexpected, mainly because of stupid mistakes I've made. Take a look...

Solo Cup Garden Series Day 7

 It's been an interesting 7 days.  The Green Ice Lettuce popped up first, on Day 3.  So here's what's happened since the last post...