Monday, July 29, 2019

So I'm an ENFP-A...

I'm an ENFP-A. I've been this way pretty much my entire life. Still, I took the "16 Personalities" test to see if I've become something other than what I am. (Ha!)  

 So what's this mean? Why should you care? How's this different from my being a classic Gemini (which I am also)? I don't know the answer to that last question. I was just thinking/typing out loud. I do this a lot—have conversations with myself, tapping into/checking in with my subconscious. (Nah. This isn't some New Age mumbo jumbo.)  It doesn't mean I know where I want to eat, or, if I'm restless, where I want to go. (I can be pretty frustrating if you don't have a mind to take the wheel and choose when I'm indecisive. Just ask those who know me. ) I just know who I am, and can shed some light for those of you who sometimes scratch your heads about me. I'm blessed (nah, I'm gifted) with intuition that borders discernment. I wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time. YES, I do. I only show that side of me to my "chosens". The rest of you people usually see the big “Back OFF" stamped on my forehead until I get to know you better. I mean, I'm not ugly with people. Sarcastic, maybe. And I do let my little light shine. But I come off as aloof or withdrawn at times, and usually it's because I'm somewhere in my own world.  
I do tend to see meanings behind words, reading between the lines and trying to catch those moments of feelings that attach themselves to what you are saying. I especially watch a person's eyes with great curiosity and amusement. This unnerves some people, and provokes weird and unintentional challenges for stare-down contests. I just like seeing the way their eyes dance and change colors when they are passionate about a topic, or when something they speak about saddens them, or watching little flecks of color appear when something they are speaking of makes them extremely happy. I'm a true empath, and I see things through eyes of compassion and emotion (even when I'm handing your butt to you in a word vomit, I feel sorry for you).  
I am a very active person. I don't like to walk parks or even sidewalks after it rains because so many earthworms come to the pavement to escape drowning, and I feel like I'm going to hurt them or kill them by stepping on them. When you see me in some weird ballet down the sidewalk at the park or in my neighborhood, I'm not dancing. 
Because I bring energy into a room that lots of people seem drawn to, I get mistaken for someone who likes being the center of attention. Don't get me wrong, I can work a room with the best of them. I would just rather sit back and study people before I approach them. (This has been misinterpreted as scanning the area for prey, looking for weaknesses within the herd. Haha! Okay, the brat in me relishes the opportunity to make some people squirm, but I don't always do that.) If you are a fairly straightforward and uncomplicated person, you will probably find me frustrating. Really, really frustrating. (Yeah, 'really, really,' and not just 'really.') I may not have expectations of how things should go, but I do rely on my intuition a lot, and so wonder about a person's motivations. All the time-- Person Whose Job It Is To Greet Me: How are you today? Me: Do you really wanna know, or are you just asking? I'm not being a d-word. Or a c-word. Or whatever your word is to describe people who just go around pissing people off. I just don't believe in wasting my time with arbitrary discussions. This is a good thing, right? Sure, if you pass your kids' baby pics around, I will politely decline because it doesn't interest me. If your dogs come around me and they aren't polite (meaning they accost me with their bodies or tongues when I'm clearly trying to defend myself without hurting them or your feelings), I will excuse myself from your house or their presence if you don't notice they're obviously bothering me. I will only intentionally hurt someone's feelings when all attempts at diplomacy fail. Great example, this past Monday, I was walking out of a store at Opry Mills when a kiosk Nazi (sorry to offend you kiosk Nazis and kiosk Nazi lovers—do your things) began calling to me while walking toward me with a packet of Argan oil and a straightening iron. If you know me, you know I don't like strangers touching me! Even if you are a blood relative, if I don't know you, do not come and hug me! I gave her my weirdest and most confused look (think deer in headlights mixed with guy whose dopplebungers were smacked with a baseball bat—unless you like your dopplebungers smacked with a baseball bat). It did not deter her. I told her I had somewhere to go (which I DID, and I was already late), she said she understood while basically pulling me by my hair so I could look in the mirror to see how well she was going to straighten an already straightened lock of my hair. I didn't want to hurt her feelings because she looked kind of desperate and I knew her bottom line depended on her clearly aggressive tactics, so I stood there with that look on my face for another few seconds until she thought I couldn't understand English and released me. COULD I have gone off on her? Sure. But I tried playing dead before I tried fighting. It worked. And I'm sure if I hadn't taken a shower, that part of my hair would still be straight right now. My point is, I sometimes put others' feelings ahead of my own BECAUSE I am such an empath.  
 Those of you who have looked at my education or book list (or the history of where I've lived) know that I try lots of things. I'm kind of a commitmentphobe. I think it is why I have lived a very full life and feel like I have done it all. (No. I haven't done it all. I just feel like it.) I want to do things. Experience things. SEE things. See people. ("Oel ngati kameie" see, not just physically with my eyes. Yes, I have a movie reference or two rattling around in my head.) I have a vast imagination, and I am open-minded. To me, everything means something. Everything. I don't ask people their favorite colors. The first question I ask someone to get to know them is, "What's on your nightstand?" Every single thing you do is part of the bigger picture of life, and nothing is irrelevant. Nothing. I value time more than anything, and if it's going to be wasted, I'd rather be the one doing it. It's something that is finite. You only get so much of it, and most of us are robbed of the present because we're overthinking someone's actions in the past. I'm hurt at times, sure, but I'm quick to forgive (or hit the BLOCK button) and move on. Life's too short to hold a grudge. I have very strong people skills. Sometimes, I do play dumb, just for farts and giggles. I don't really enjoy small talk, and will usually steer boring conversations toward things I don't mind talking about—or hearing about, and I can do it in a way that doesn't feel at all forced. I don't believe in making enemies or burning bridges, although I can cut toxicity out of my life. I'm spontaneous and some could even say impetuous. Not flaky, but definitely sometimes I fly by the seat of my pants. I find myself in all sorts of interesting situations. Not drama-prone, but definitely interesting. That tends to lead me to many ventures and adventures, and I could easily drop one and start another. At any given time, I have 4 or 5 unfinished songs, 2 or 3 screenplays or scripts (Where has the software, "Final Draft 11", been all my life?), 1 or 2 novels—all in various stages of completion. I think it's one of the weaknesses of many ENFPs. I don't get bored with myself or finding things to do, but if someone else has me doing something mundane, I will eventually drift off that path altogether. Here's the weird part (yeah, only one—ha ha) about being an ENFP. I'm fiercely independent at times, and other times, all I want is to be cuddled. Anything too heavy-handed (or stupid) will receive push back in equal or more intensity if you don't have that type relationship with me... ...because I value relationships! I love my friends, and I love my family! I love with 100% of me. I like being able to connect with another soul. Chemistry is important to me, because if we don't have chemistry, it makes connection very difficult for me.  No mountain too high, no distance too far—I believe connections can be maintained no matter where we are. I believe energy and connection transcend time and distance... and I take those ideals (along with passion, imagination, and creativity) into the physical realm as well. So yeah, I'm a little intense. (Ha ha! A little...) I'm not everyone's cup of tea. Not everyone can handle the mental and/or physical drain that, the majority of the time, IS me. When a person can't or won't reciprocate or match my energy (think emotional—not just physical, because not everyone stands up most of the day, or is bent over in the garden all morning) or effort, I will move on. Relationships are mutual in responsibility. That's pretty difficult for most people, because I tend to give more than I get back. Like, all the time. Sometimes, I know deep down those people just can't match my level effort, but it hurts just the same. Not everyone is the same as me, and not everyone is as verbally expressive (Ha!) as I am. I tend to be able to lure people out of their shells. I don't know how I do it, except my stubbornness has a nice little flipside—persistence, when I want something, that is. I'm usually drawn to the "I" types, probably because they're my opposites. Challenges. I dunno.  
Two of my children are introverts. Can you imagine how often they roll their eyes at me? Lol! Ah well... such is the life of an ENFP. 

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